i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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