Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
