Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
