Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
where are my eyebrows?
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