I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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