yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.