and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?