just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
