I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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