he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
