It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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