god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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