my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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