Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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