At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
