Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
