No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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