omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
