woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
