I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
