Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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