It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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