Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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