he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I did not marry a roomba.
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