Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
