Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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