we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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