how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
