Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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