I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
