Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
