I think my vagina is haunted
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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