Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
