is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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