I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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