I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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