his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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