The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
