the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
