i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
