ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
