Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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