I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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