why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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