I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
