hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
