There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
