Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
