Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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