Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
