When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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