Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
