Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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