He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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