I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
