Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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