This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Pants are for mortals
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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