I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
