Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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