So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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