Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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